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come on baby make it hurt so good

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i've bottled this up way too long [30 Nov 2006|12:13pm]
im going to be completly honest. i have reflected back on the past couple of months and really tried to look as myself as well as others and put them in perspective. i was severly disappointed. i feel like i have changed. i know i am bossy and can be controlling, but i also know that i am really caring. i know that i care about people and i care about people making the right decisions. i know you cant change a person, but i feel like i can effect them and if i can stop someone from drinking and driving, by god im going to try.

well my sister was in a car accident. i was so mad at first. it really wasnt fair. we always buckle up and follow the law and dont fuck around cars. youll probably never meet anyone more against drunk driving or driving unsafely than me. i believe in karma and i thought this was a shitty shitty thing that my family, my sister, didnt deserve. then i started to look at the situation more of a positive thing, that she lived and she gets to keep her leg and someday shell be walking and coming back to school again. i started realizing no matter how bad i have it, someone else has it worse. when i was leaving to come back to school and was devastated because i was not the least bit ready to leave my family, a flight attendant was very rude to me because he was having a bad day and i broke down bawling and promised myself no matter how bad of a day or how bad i think i have it, i will not treat others poorly because you never know whats going on with someone.

another thing i learned is i have some pretty shitty friends. im not going to lie anymore. i felt somehwat alone on the physical comforting level through this whole thing, yeah my family was there but after a while we started to turn on eachother because you can only around the same people for so long especially during a critical time before it starts to get ugly. everyone was really emotional and on edge and it made things worse. dont get me wrong, i love my family to pieces and they are what really got me through this. but like i said, i have shitty friends. none of my friends from home called me. at least not when they found out. none of them came to visit maile and yes they know her personally. my other sister casey had people drive for hours to come visit my family and maile. her friend in africa even fucking called to see how we were all holding up. hell if you dont have the fucking balls to call, you can at least write a letter. its hard becuase i want to come home to be with my family and brian, but its so hard because these people that i thought cared about me turned out to not really give a shit. or at least thats how i feel. if youre one of these people and you are reading this, im sorry but i had to let this out, i can no longer bottle it up. now i dont want to complain that all my friends are shitty, in fact, all of my colorado friends called me. yeah, i am pretty sure all of them. i still have random friends here telling me they read her journal-it still makes me cry when i hear people i barely know cared so much.

i guess the reason i am writting this is because i got in a huge fight with brian. he lied to me for the first time in our relationship and it was about things that i dont even want to bring up. i just know that other people i care about were there and encouraging him in the opposite direction of what i needed from him. that drew the line. some people are just shitty friends and you know what? i dont need that. i have wonderful people here that care about me and i dont deserve that. im done. yeah what brian did was almost unforgivable but he took responsiblity for it and appologized and we are working on it.

oh and if you are going to say that you didnt want to bother me in this time of crisis, thats bull shit. every call, letter, message, text anything was so appreciated. and for those of you who dont know, maile was a miracle case, they have no explanation for how she made it through. so yeah, it was a horrible and life changing accident. whatever i dont want to waste more time on telling people how crappy they can make me feel. i dont think you are crappy people as a whole, i just think sometimes people can make crappy decisions and im not always willing to forgive.
21 ♥ N Allodoxaphobia

life lesson and oh life in general [09 Oct 2006|03:40pm]
oh life. oh life oh. i like to think i am a pretty positive person but i definitly have my downers. i love college, i really do. i love life, i understand we need the bad for the good, but sometimes the bad doesnt need to be as bad as it gets. in the past two months i have learned major life lessons then i thought life had to offer:
-you cannot live life scared. this doesnt mean live crazy, definitly make good decisions and live cautiously, but dont give up driving from one accident, keep on keeping on and make decisions that create the good for the most.
-no matter what happens, no matter how shitty of day you may be having, someone else having a worse one-so be positive. I know the petty things like C on tests and fights with loved ones can be really upsetting but learn to let stuff go and try not to fight, life is so random and unexpected, keep positive relationships and let the little things go
-if you live away from home, call or email your parents and loved ones everyday or as much as possible. i dont think us as kids truely understand what it means to them to have us call or tell them we are thinking of them and missing them..they are the ones that are always going to be there for us.
-life is what you make it.
-send letters because they are so much more personal :)
okay i know this sounds really cheesy but today was the end to a streak of really bad luck and i had to write out everything i learned.

on a brighter note, im stoked for my birthday in 9 days :) i think i may be getting the new ipod in black or a new slr cannon camera for my photographyyyy major. oh and i finish midterms next tuesday so that will be nice to start fresh. oh yes, and i am going to san diego this weekend to see maile and my family (including my aunts that are in town :)) and some other friends going home and of coarse my love. its going to be a very eventful and fun weekend.

its getting colder and darker here and i absolutly love it. i love the weather, i love my roommate, i love the house, i dont love all my classes but two are pretty rad. i just wish it wasnt such a huge part of it, shell hopefully be back second semester thoguh so keep your fingers crossed and please pray for her if you do pray (mailemae.livejournal.com if you dont know what i am talking about). or if youre in san diego, drop by the hosue and visit her, she really enjoys visitors :) have a great day
1 ♥ N Allodoxaphobia

you win some you lose some [15 Jul 2006|06:58pm]
[ mood | peaceful ]

life has been amazing lately. im happy with my body, im happy with my relationships (well definitly not all of them), and i am happy with my maturity. since ive been home from school, i have been running and getting into shape. in fact, im starting with a personal trainer on monday. ive lost seven pounds all by exercizing and eating healthier (but just as much). because i feel good about myself, i also started to reveal my natural self. i dont wear as much makeup, i grew out my eyebrows (they are starting to look like brook shields), i dyed my hair back to its natural honey color (the sun is already highligthing it), i dont wear bras as much, i go barefoot far more than i go wtih shoes, and i hardly ever straighten or curl my hair-i just let it dry in its naturally bushy waves. i feel like ive changed a lot about my style and preferences in the past two months and ive never been happier. ive also changed a lot wtih my personality. my relationship with brian couldnt be stronger. i used to let all the little things piss me off and id make him feel bad when he wasnt with me because i would trick him into thinking i was more important than anything he was doing. ill admit it, i was horrible and wasnt worthy of such an incredible man. he stuck with me and im over my slump. i dont know why or how but i love him so much that it honestly pleases me to see him happy so whatever hes doing that makes him happy, it makes me happy. there are of coarse some things i still dont approve of like cigarettes and drugs and all that depressing stuff, but hes way respectful and its gotten to the point where they arnt even an issue anymore. and since we have been getting along better together, the people we hang out with have been getting along with us better. his friends would get really frusterated with me because i was so demanding and now they are calling me to personally invite me to the all guys poker games. i cant explain how great i feel. life is great. im making a list.

why my life is great. (and in no particular order)
1. im home with a family that loves me
2. brian
3. im going to lollapalooza with brian
4. im going to europe with brian
5. sam is coming tuesday
6. nick and jake are coming a week from wednesday
7. my dads yaught is going to be here in 2 weeks
8. work is over
9. its been gorgeous outside
10. brians band is doing well
11. rebecca is going to be my roomate
12. i saw an old friend today
13. i feel good
14. i get to go swimming everyday
15. im going to see my cousin and aunt and uncle
16. im going to chicago
17. maile met snoop dog
18. im going to see wilco
19. mom put on the air conditioning
20. im going to la tomorrow
21. ive been hanging out with old friends

there is one thing though thats got me down, my gorgeous little mouse named bandit passed away today. she had been really sick for a while now so its better shes moved on. if you pray, please say a kind word for her. brian and i are burrying her tomorrow. she was ours and she was only eight months old. makes me really sad but i like to think she had a good life. this is her before she got sick

okay thats it my phones ringing and its my loverboy-have a good one.

2 ♥ N Allodoxaphobia

dont want to forget this memory... [08 Jun 2006|11:23am]
one time i had to leave a party because i burnt popcorn at the house and even i couldnt stand the smell. it was someones birthday but i cant remember. and it was the first time jess came out with sam and i. i ended up on 28th at a green house with a white picket fence-but we didnt go inside, instead we went to meagans and made popcorn that was deliscious. oh yeah, night ride picked us up and i spilled my burned popcorn in the car and scott the driver couldnt stop laughing. it was a good night. made me laugh so i didnt want to forget it.

everybody cut footloose [06 Jun 2006|01:38am]
[ mood | enthusiastic ]

So I've been pretty high on lilfe lately. Tonight I even had one of those life-is-so-incredible-i-could-cry moments. Brian and I are doing great, I have a job lined up, my friends are doing good...life's good. Except I really don't want to start my job. I'm working at the Del Mar Fair, excuse me, the San Diego Fair as a ticket seller...FOR THE RIDES. Kind of dorky but it pays and it's 23 days. However it's about 9 &1/2 hours a day, six days a week, in a small wood hut that gets hot when it's hot and cold when it's cold. Plus my first days in kiddyland and I don't want to deal with crazy rude adults...I guess I have to be positive. Anyways, with my happy-go-lucky mood, I thought I'd share some pictures that made me laugh. Meagan and Ariel and I were discovering my new laptop and its camera...kind of sweeet. Okay, have a great one and best of luck and love to all you out there graduating

we are oh so sillyCollapse )

2 ♥ N Allodoxaphobia

MUSIC! MUSIC! MUSIC! [28 May 2006|06:20pm]
Well I just got a new laptop (the new macbook :)) and my old computer doesnt have a firewire port and I don't want to spend 34.99$ on irip so what I am saying, is I don't have any music on my computer. I've spent some time finding old cds but honestly, I havnt bought more than four cds in the past year :X So, if you're feeling generous and want to share music, my screen name is danceinpanic of if you just want to drop a few of your favorite songs that I should download, I'd really appreciate it! I havn't really had time to break into the new music in the past year so I always appreciate hearing new stuff. I'm pretty much open to almost every type of music...well not every genre but most. Okay well thats my schpeal, have a great day. Hope everyones weekend is going absolutly great :)
12 ♥ N Allodoxaphobia

My weekend/night [20 May 2006|11:36pm]
so ive had a ton of free time lately which means ive done a lot of thinking lately. not anything bad, i just am realizing what i mean to people. i could be wrong, i mean i did just get back from school...in fact i hope im wrong. but i wont get into that because im happy with life and if people choose to treat me the way they do, then ill hang out with the kids that care. well this weekend was extremly fun. friday night i hung out with erin and we got jamba juice/hot java and made stencils. i stenciled a picture of myself and put it on a new sweatshirt because i think its funny and i wanted to see myself as a stencil. we watched finding neverland and its a top choice. today i went to a friends suprise birthday bash. it was in his back yard and hes in the band underminded so i watched them perform today. it was fun except i didnt really know anyone there till the end when erin showed up but i made the best of it. then tonight i hung out with kaylyn who i havnt seen in a long time. i dont think ive ever hung out with her one on one but i can honestly say tonight was one of my favorite nights, we had a blast :) lots of adventures. first i tried vanilla chi tea from hot java then we put about 10 people in a 6 seater car (im a car safety freak so of coarse i was seat belted) and went around carmel mountain looking for chuck norris who was supposedbly in town doing a book signing. turns out the kids were lying, they were liars but we hung out wtih them for a while anyways. oh then we witnessed a car accident. Kaylyn and i dropped all the kids off and talked to the police at witnesses. it was really scary because it was a pretty bad accident and a little girl about eight was on the ground bleeding and her mom was jammed in the car. the little girl was calm and went in the ambulance but when they tried to pull the mother out of the car, she started screaming. it was piercing and made our stomaches churn but once they got her on the stretcher, she seemed to be doing alright. we were in teh heart of teh accident because the cops wouldnt let us move and we were right next to the ambulance and fire truck so we saw everything and everyone. it was really creepy but im glad no one was hurt. well after that we watched just friends at my house. it was a cute chick flick. man this summers going to be a ton of fun. brians been in the desert all weekend with his dad. he doesnt get cell phone service and the last time i talked to him was seven am yesterday morning. he woke me up and i was grumpy. i feel bad. today i left my phone in the car like always and i literally had 8 missed calls and 2 voicemails and 5 texts from him. i was literally crying because he had left town by the time i tried to call him back. at least i know hes safe. okay well thats my life. im pretty simple but i love to keep it that way.

ive been running everyday to help keep my health good and ive been eating better so i can have more energy and feel better about myself. not that i dont feel good about myself, but it just feels good to know youre doing good for your body-i think i read that somewhere. okay well hope everyones weekend was as fun and exciting. goodnight
3 ♥ N Allodoxaphobia

some stuff [19 May 2006|09:11am]
[ mood | calm ]

so i go to university of colorado at boulder and as of now I am a studio arts major. I plan on having my huge emphasis in photography. Now I havn't been in a photography class since senior year of highschool which was about a year ago, so I am a little rusty but I did get the rebel xt for christmas so I like to play around with it. My favorite type of photography to do as of right now is painting with light. Here's some pictures I've taken since Christmas...in a lot of them there was several of us one holding the button and the other doing the light work but in the ones with erin and mark (the blonde kid) i was taping the button down and doing the light. with the strobe light ones, it was just the two of us. and in the tv ones, there was three of us, one holding the shutter the other painting. haha okay just id put that out there cause if someone helped me with these pictures, i didnt want them to feel ripped off if I didnt mention they were helping.

for some reason two of my favorites wont upload but yeah heres some stuff to look at. have a great day.

8 ♥ N Allodoxaphobia

[18 May 2006|12:59pm]
[ mood | happy ]

so ive been home for a week and a day now and have embarked on a few adventures. first of all, i got a new macbook today :) i ordered the ibook laptop from my friend manny at the apple store and the very next day teh macbook came out and i got to upgrade for free. pretty much that makes it fate-and thanks again manny, this things super fast and super awesome. well anyways yeah since ive been home ive done a few adventures. ive mostly been hanging out and going for runs with my mom. ive been eating healthy not to loose wieght but to get more energy, ive been falling asleep at 12 lately because i eat crap food and dont exercise. so yeah ive been getting up every morning and running 2.5 miles and i eat a lot of cottage cheese and rice milk and power bars and salads...that kind of stuff. well the one weekend ive been home was way fun. satuday night i went to my friend daynas birthday party for like an hour cause the cops up but gettin ready was a blast because i absolutly love my friends. on mothers day i rode a tandem (two person bike) with my sister maile around balboa park because my moms obsessed with exercising. well that night we had a bbq and the pictures below give you a little insight on how silly my family is. i love them to death. and the boy in the pictures is manny, his mom passed away in a car accident on his 15th birthday so we were very happy to spend mothers day with him! okay yeah so heres some pictures. im waiting to upload more of my pictures to my laptop because i did some sweet painting with light pictures with some sweet friends friday night. okay well have a great one-

my families a bit crazzzy

yep, even the dog


a little too much "fun" :)

im not the only one in the fam to take pictures of myself

i have no idea where my dad gets his freaking tan skin, but im jealous

thats my mum

and this is one of my dogs

Dayna's PRe Party

cute face

i love them

not quite sure :)

we have good times

again, not quite sure

it's love

we got teh sass.

again, too much "fun"



we love eachother

so thats it lifes good.


end of college year 1 [08 May 2006|02:58pm]
[ mood | excited/sad ]

So as of 12 this morning I finished my first year of college. I go to University of Colorado @ Boulder, the best place on earth without a beach. School was so fun but it went way too quick. My best friend was my roomate of this year and I'm pretty sure my best friend of next year will be my future roomate. But anyways, this year was really eventful. I joined a sorority. shockingggggg. its actually a really sweet one and my roomates into the same music and whatnot as me so I'm pretty excited about that. Well its my last few hours in the dorms and my rooms pretty empty. its making me depressed. my sister and i are driving home to california (20 hours) so i have to put all my stuff in bags. The only thing i havn't really packed up is my computer and i have some time so i decided to post. Since I miss my lj, I wanted to make a post about the good times I've had this year. Here's some random pictures-I'm really going to miss this place. Ill be back next year but ill miss the dorms.

move in day-our room looked so different than this

day one!

Brian came out for the big game (colorado university VS. colorado state-we won :))

footballs pretty big here.

even my parents followed the buffssss

haha ew

wyatts birthday

trophy wife party

estes park-WE MET SMOKEY

glenwood road trip

partying in the woods

kaitlin :)

hahaha halloween-he's naked in case you dont get it.

snowboarding business

oh autoum

eighties party



love her-roomate next year

420 on farrand field

belly dancer

hooray for friends

420-the view from my window, the best window in the world.

farrand beach :)


okay so were sitting on the field and a girl and guy walk up with a trashbag and say to us "wait for us to say go" so we open the bag and its waterballoons, like 50 of them. they gave each group on the field a bag of balloons and we had what im pretty sure was the worlds biggest waterballoon fight :)

maile on 420-look at how gorgeous the school is

colin :)

random partying

bus to x-games. thats about the only part of the weekend that was clear in memory :)

colin and jason. colin sneaks in EVERY picture:)



drunken moments-man i love hilary

eating shit on ice!

jason-laguna beach

again, footballs big

:) one of the first games

eric weiner, good guy

mike jones.


the sink-sweetest restaurant ever.

freaking gorgeous-look at the flatirons (mountains) in the background

drunken nights

basement boys.

funny face collin and myself.

songfest-like a talent show but for the greek system-we took third :)

this was the time of my life. im going to miss the dorms. im stoked to see everyone this summer no doubt, but im really going ot miss it here. no parents, no rule, lots and lots of fun and love. well peace out, have a good day.

7 ♥ N Allodoxaphobia

i dont know [07 May 2006|02:07am]
its my last night of being a freshman in college. well its my last night to go out and party as a freshman in college. im pretty upset because im going to miss everyone hree in the dorms i live with. im also pretty upset because when i drink, i rage. im not going ot talk tonight cause i dont want the rage to take over but im the first one back to the dorms. i walked back alone and thats a long dark walk. no one sohuld ever do it alone especially durnk,. im not totally drunk but comming off a drunk. i didnt stay at teh frat for the right reasons and i need ot not be mad. lifes good its almost summer and no one reads this shit anyways so i though i would post on this. if you do read this, yourew wasting your time because im just me being me.
4 ♥ N Allodoxaphobia

VEGETARIANSSSSSSs [21 Mar 2006|07:46pm]
okay so I'm going back and forth on my artist book. It's due in five weeks and it has to be two hundred pages of information (not necessarily 200 pages long). So I wanted to do it on eating disorders and wieght obsession and all of that because I think it's a disease way underlooked. However, I want my book to be very personal to a lot of people and I havnt gotten that many response with the eating disorder proposal (dont get me wrong im glad that not too many have a lot to say about the subject and I REALLY REALLY REALLY appreciate those who did respond!) so i know this is crazy but i think i might switch up my idea. i think i might do it on vegetarian and why people are vegetarians. i have been one for i think two or three years now i cannot honestly remember when i started. i never liked the taste of animals and i officially started after seeing meat your meet for the first time. now im all about animal rights. if you too are a vegetarian, please please please let me know for how long and why? what pushed you to become one? if it was for animal rights, what did you see that made you one? what experience did you go through? and is it hard to be one?if i get a lot of good response with this new idea, i will make it my book idea and you will have a chance to be in my book and maybe help spread vegetarianism because i plan on exposing a lot of the harsh reality of meat in the book as well. thank you for your time and i really really hope you choose to participate if you can! if you dont have lj, my email is beauty__dies@hotmail.com. Thanks agian!

serious subject used for art awareness!!!!! [13 Mar 2006|09:40pm]
okay so i am doing an artist book for my studio arts class. the book is unique and tells something about the artist, something that the artist cares about or a statement they want to make. My book is about the pressure that cause eating disorders in young adults (like society, school,boy/girlfriends, family...) . i am collecting nutrional facts and all the "fat free, low carb" labels on all the boxes of everything. i am cutting out super models and collecting facts on eating disorders. i have a sufficient amount of information for my book, but i really want to tie it together with a personal touch. So, with that, i would really appreciate it if people would share their stories with food and personal experiences. what the stories should generally be about is a personal struggle with self image and how food came into play. it could have to do with over eating, under eating, purging, or even just pure pressure from a loved one to go on a diet or gain more weight. something that has to do with pressure and food. it could even be self pressure or pressure of schoolwork. anything! i understand that this is a very personal subject and that people want to remain anonymous so there are several ways to do this:
if you want to post it on this entry, you can anonymously.
if you want to email it to me and i can use a different name and keep you anonymous (im good with secrets!) my email is beauty__dies@hotmail.com
if you want real anonymous, no one to know, my mailing adress is:
Kristy Dietz 9042 farrand hall Boulder CO 80310-0013

again i know this is a very touchy and sensitive subject and i would really appreciate it if you would participate. the book is meant to help show awareness and hopefully make a strong statement. the more stories i get, the stronger the statement will be. if you do choose to participate by sending mail, please if you have any nutrition facts or diet labels laying around send them! also, if you wouldnt mind please incorporate your idealized looks/body type (like if you think the ideal look is in a certain actress or actor) (could be what you want to look like, or what you want to date or both!)
if you wouldnt mind just mentioning how food effects your everyday life...your mood...how often you think about it...if you count calories or are on a diet...what it means to you (your comfort or safety)...if you eat what you want vs. what you need...those sort of things i would realy appreciate it too!
if you know someone who has a hard timewith food..wont eat in front of people...over eats...under eats...is really picky about food or diets...that sort of things and you wouldnt mind talking about how it effects you, id appreciate that as well!

again thank you SO much if you choose to participate. if not, thanks for your time!
1 ♥ N Allodoxaphobia

oh what fun :) [16 Jul 2005|10:51am]
so i went to lake powell for ten days with some pretty amazing people; my family, our friends from colorado, my boyfriend, my sisters boyfriend, and lots of friends of us kids went. im sad to be back to the reality and drama but its good to see everyone. my doggies woke me up this morning and it was glorious.

my summer has been so fun im sad for it to be ending. i leave august 17th for school in colorado. till then im home except for the weekend of august sixth when im going to spread my grandmas ashes in arizona. but yeah i get my touncils out wednesday and then my wisdom teeth about a week later. so if you live near by and have my number, i would love visits. i have so many peopel to visit before i leave its insane. im so excited to go but at the same time im so happy with my life here so im depressed. i dont want to leave my family. my friends. my boyfriend. you. good thing for lj aim and myspace ;) k well heres some fun. peece oot keep it real and i love life.

Lakes Are Oh So Fun.Collapse )
4 ♥ N Allodoxaphobia

champions. [05 Jun 2005|12:44pm]
[ mood | hes sick :( ]

Erin And I Own Wefot.Collapse )

5 ♥ N Allodoxaphobia

i am alive and such. [11 May 2005|06:57pm]
[ mood | FFFFFFFFantastic ]

all is well except damn myspace has taken over and i kind of forgot my lj.
but in the past two days,
i visited puppies

and won a pog tournament.

i wish it were summer. who's with me?

18 ♥ N Allodoxaphobia

[23 Feb 2005|01:11am]
[ mood | soothed ]

i like to dissappear.

5 ♥ N Allodoxaphobia

whats a kiss mean to you? [09 Jan 2005|12:04am]
all is not well but i am told that it will all be quite nice.

what i do to past the time.Collapse )
6 ♥ N Allodoxaphobia

[02 Jan 2005|11:18am]
[ mood | relaxed ]

two thousand and fiveCollapse )

6 ♥ N Allodoxaphobia

life. [02 Jan 2005|10:47am]
this entry is going to be rather long and personal. read if you like. or you can just look at the pictures. no one has to comment, i just feel like expressing myself right now.

life lately has been amazing. its been so high then so low that it drives me nuts. im learning all the little cliches to be true. like you never know how much you love soemthing till you lose it. i havnt really lost anything but time. time i used to cherrish with my friends. i dont have much time for things with polo and school and all. these past two week however were nice to slip away from that. i forget that im supposed to cherish these years and not get caught up in the little nonsense things. ive been accepted to boulder, my first choice school. im thrilled because its what i dreamed of. i cannot believe im living finally living it. but i am scared to death to leave. i took poway for granted so much. i dont even have to leave here to realize how great it is. we all say how lame and boring poway can be but in reality its not that bad. pshh listen to me talk about how i dont want to leave the town. thats nothing, i dont want to leave the people. my closest friends are all here. my parents are here. my whole life is here. i know im just a two hour plane ride away, but that doesnt seem enough for me. im horrible at keeping in touch. im horrible at catching up. i dont want to ever be a stranger to my best friends. i dont know weather to be excited for college or upset to leave everything. i keep talking about how badly i want to be out of highschool, but in reality i dont. i dont want it to be over. i dont want my time here to be up. i want the next 8 months to be the time of my life. i want to seize every moment and let the little things go. last night i sat in bed for two hours crying and thinking. i had a melt down on the phone with my boyfriend and i was feeling really shitty afterwards. i cant tell you how amazing my night turned out to be. just laying in bed listening to music and having a great cry was exactly what i needed. i believe everything happens for a reason. i think i needed to have a melt down so i could say things ive kept bottled up. i needed a good cry because ive been so caught up in things lately it was hard to breathe. my ipod was on random and i kept telling myself the next song would describe my life or tell me some important message, something really meaningful. not once was i dissappointed in the next song. i mean every melody or chorus every lyric i felt i could relate to. even the song titles gave me goosebumps. be alright, a line allows progress a circle does not, as soon as beauty dies, such great heights, nothing wrong, cant stand me now, damn, ocean breathes salty, the good that wont come out, those to come, seeing other people, get me away from here, im dying...these are just a few from the two hours. just listening made me realize how incredibly lucky i was. my biggest problem is leaving for school. how selfish can i be? there are kids starving to death, being beat to death, being raped and murdered and pregnant and i cant even deal with having the blessing of going to college to my first choice school? honestly, i used to think i was a pretty good person but right now i think im lost in my own thoughts. i need ot be more appreciative and not analyze things till i confuse myself. i am only as strong as my weakest character.

and one more thing. since i am getting things off my chest. there are things in life i dislike. id be lying if i said i didnt hate things. but i try really hard not to ever use that word. i think its an awfully strong word used way too often. yes, i do use it out of frustration or when i truely dislike somtheing soo much, but other then that, i try not to hate things. i cannot think of one person in my life that i hoenstly hate. there are people i dont really like or dont feel compatible with but i dont hate people. its a wasted feeling if you ask me. to hate someone is to waste time and emotion on them. ive never been through a real tramatic experience where someone hurts me really bad so i guess i dont know if i understand people that hate for reasons. i dont know if i am ok with hating someone for reasons. ive never had to face that. what doesnt kill you though, only makes you stronger. i dont have a problem with people who hate me either. not that i know of anyone who hates me, but if you do, so be it. i can deal with that but im not going to hate you back. ok so thats my thoughts on the word hate.
5 ♥ N Allodoxaphobia

im sorry i never comment on anyones journal... [29 Nov 2004|09:58pm]
[ mood | Ü ]

is this death really you?Collapse )

30 ♥ N Allodoxaphobia

eeek lots of free time to not hang out. [02 Nov 2004|03:21pm]
[ mood | imprisioned ]

hooray for adventures while you can have them !Collapse )

10 ♥ N Allodoxaphobia

check the birthday date ;) [17 Oct 2004|05:56pm]
morP pictures are due. p.s. sorry meagan for the steals ♥

haha my atempt to be sexy

two times.

always hardcore. HXC.

seduce us?

heck yes for us

definantly back seat windows up. definantly.

this is silly. i am loud.

hooray for tomorow :D
26 ♥ N Allodoxaphobia

just for shits and giggles [02 Oct 2004|10:09am]
[ mood | morP! ]


15 ♥ N Allodoxaphobia

heck yes! [23 Sep 2004|11:02pm]
[ mood | tired...its late! ]

thanks everyone who imputed on my pictures i really appreciate it ♥

im gone for the weekend. ill be in colorado :) :) :)

this entry is all about a story. here are the rules:
i am going to start a story. i will leave it on edge and the first person to reply will make the next part of the story. then the next person will make up more of the story where it was left off. and so on. if you want to participate, then please do! oh the rules are no ending the story and please dont write a huge paragraph...just a few sentences. let's make it interesting! and no being mean

p.s. i did something different with my hair :X

the amazingly rad awesome story
so there was a man named phil who was really scared of fish. He lived in the middle of a busy city and worked at a computer store five days a week. one day phil got a phone call from a beautiful single coworker who said....

16 ♥ N Allodoxaphobia

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